Emerging Black Dog
16 Aug 2007
(originally posted on my blog Feb 2005)
After talking with Rob Waller (see previous post), I started to journal my journey with depression and anxiety, and how much the emerging church has been a help to me. I use most of my blog for resources, and information, but will take the plunge and share something personal.
As a child I was very badly abused, psychologically, and physically, by my mother. My family dealt/deals with issues by drink and violence, as did most of the people I remember who lived on the council estate (public housing) where I grew up.
I became a Christian when I was nearly 17, at a wonderful church. I remember the first small group I went, to and experiencing being prayed for. Having people lay hands on me, gently, lovingly, was the beginning of healing for some much in my life. Church was wonderful, it was a place full of brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, adopted mums and dads, a place to be loved and cared for. For the first time in my life, people built me up, spoke words of life into my life, of my future and who I could be, calling out the best in me, where before all I heard was the worst.
For a while things went well, I grew, moved on, and went to seminary/college, got married, but found myself coping less and less well. Anxiety, depression, hit me harder and harder. I didn’t know what it was at the time, and only now realise that I suffered it as a child most of the time, and when I became a Christian had a respite for 2-3 years.
I misunderstood the healing and growth process. I assumed that my past was gone, but didn’t realise how much I still carried around with me, the ways I had learned to cope as a child that didn’t work as an adult, the vows I had made to survive, that we now crippling, and that for God to deal with them I had to let them go, unlearn them, and grow into new ways of thinking, living, and being. Re-creation is a painful process.
I was bi-vocational for years, and when we planted the church we are now leading. I celebrated my first day as a full time pastor by having a nervous breakdown. I was catatonic, having several panic attacks a day, and thought I was going insane, or die. I had worked 100 hours a week, commuting 3 hours a day, raising a young family, and planting the church. The mounting depression and anxiety I suffered was kept at bay by working harder, and harder. Once I woke up on my first day as a pastor, my body, brain, soul, mind, gave in to the inevitable collapse.
It was tough on my wife, she had another child to care for. All I could do was get up sees the kids to school, go back to bed, get up when the kids came home, and preached on a Sunday (how I did that I have no idea). Our church was wonderful. They told me that I had always said it was ok to be ill, and it was my turn. During this time the church grew.
I got medication, I went into therapy, and began to really face up to my past and the abuse I had never really dealt with, and been unable to until this time. The coping mechanism I had developed, of caring for others to make up for my lack of care, had a found an unhealthy place in church. It was easy to excel in church by caring. Running small groups and ministries with adults when I was 19 was seen as me having ‘old head on young shoulders’. With hindsight, I can see it wasn’t all that healthy at all.
I had so many times of having to be the adult, running out in the snow in my pyjamas, barefoot, chasing my mother down the street, begging her not to take the overdose she had threatened to, or missing college to take care of my one year old brother, pretending to be his father as I walked around the shops, doing the shopping, hiding in the wardrobe for hours as I heard my parents destroying each other and our house…these were a regular occurrence. In the midst of the destruction I was determined to not be my parents, to not do and be who they were.
This determination helped me survive, but came undone one day in therapy, when my therapist asked, ‘why do you define your life by what you don’t wan t to be rather who you do’. I realised in that moment that I had spent so many years, as a workaholic, pushing, striving, fearful that I would become my parents.
As I was getting better, I spoke at a church, and shared my story and was asked if I was 100% now, and I said I was about 80% better. The next day someone who had heard me say that approached me and said they wondered if there was some prayer we could pray that would get me that 20% back. In a moment of clarity, I had to apologise to them, you see I realised that God did not take me through what I had, so I could go back to how I was, and I told them I was happy with who I had become, and was sorry for misleading them.
At the lowest point of my breakdown, I felt like I lost my faith, l the questions and doubts I had kept at bay came crashing in to, needing to be faced. I used to take the bible to bed, and hold it to my chest, praying that I didn’t know how to read it anymore, and this was a close as I could get to it, and I hoped it was ok with God…now I know it was and is. Questions about inerrancy, hell, it all came out, like a wall tumbling down, and I wondered if anything would be left at the end.
During that process Jesus was still Jesus, the same Jesus I had given my life to, it was the systems I had built up, been told I need to have to explain him that came apart. So I went back to seminary to do part time research in theology to think through these things. Theology saved my faith. And theology became something of creation in my life, and our church. As it helped me grow, it helped our church grow, and over time connect to so many people, that now form our/my relationship to Emergent.
Emergent is not a programme, a network, but a way of life, of thinking, a place of healing, and a continuing extension of that first experience of people laying hands on me. Brian McLaren amongst others laid hands on my mind, with thinking and theology that was life giving.
I know I have a long way to go, and may suffer many dark days until I die. Genetics, and family disposition to depression, some pain so deep it will surface again, mean I will wrestle for life. But in the wrestling I find dependence on Christ, I find recreation, and new life. With my wife, my children the pattern of destruction has abated, and I see in them my hope.
And in my church community, who I do life in the deepest and most painful, and joyful, and happy ways. And with Emergent, get to know and be known, by so many others. My anxiety and depression like Winston Churchill’s ‘Black Dog’ is something I know, and take for a walk with me through life.
34 comments
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Comment by Helen
12.32 pm on 16 Aug 2007
Wow Jason, I had no idea. Thanks for sharing these personal things about your life.
Comment by Jason
8.36 am on 19 Aug 2007
Hi Helen, reminds me that under the surface you never know what has gone on in someone’s life!
Comment by Dan
3.11 pm on 16 Aug 2007
Thanks for sharing Jason. From time to time we need reminding that we all walk with our own black dogs. Just wanted to say that while I was reading this post I was flashing back on our coffee and discussion at Starbucks in Portland, OR several years ago and I was feeling very appreciative for having the opportunity to have met you. You are a gifted human being.
Comment by Jason
8.55 am on 19 Aug 2007
Dan, that seem so long ago mate! I’m teaching at GFU in Portland October 15-17th Oct, are you still in the portland area? Thanks for your encouragement my friend.
Comment by Dan
12.24 pm on 20 Aug 2007
Jase, I’m still in the Portland area, I’d love to buy you a coffee again if you have some time in October. Let me know if that’s a possibility.
Comment by Pastor Astor
9.16 pm on 16 Aug 2007
Thanks Jason!
I’m struggling with finding footing right now. I have been to hell and some of the way back this past year. It is good to know that I am not alone.
Comment by Jason
9.07 am on 19 Aug 2007
Sorry to hear that Pastor Astor, hang in there, I pray you find Jesus along the dark pathways.
Comment by Lyn
9.45 am on 17 Aug 2007
Wow Jason, thank you for sharing your journey. I’m not sure if you know, but I became a Christian at the same church you did, and I really relate to the building up and love that I, too, received there, having come from an unchurched background. My parents divorced when I was 15, it was my father who was the alcoholic – a whole other story there.
I was really touched when you wrote about being having an old head on young shoulders. I feel like that has been me as well, from the age of about 13 I was trying to keep my family together and once my parents divorced I held things whilst everyone else fell apart. I see in myself now, as an adult, that I have an inability to really let go. I really want to kick my heels to the wind, but responsibility has meant that I always think of the repercussions.
Praying for you as you continue your journey, as Dan wrote, you are a very gifted person. Bless you.
Comment by Jason
9.10 am on 19 Aug 2007
Lyn, I knew about the Stopsley connection from Jon, it was life changing for me, and so healing. May you be blessed as you find more of Jesus in your growth, and journey.
Comment by James Prescott
1.05 pm on 17 Aug 2007
Jason, thanks for sharing this. Its an incredible journey you’ve been on, and I genuinely praise God that He has brought you through and made you a new creation. You have so much to give to the Kingdom and through VCS you are doing that. Your honesty, humility and integrity in writing this are amazing.
Its very strange though that there are elements (as I’ve shared in detail privately to you) of your story very similar to mine. To see how God has brought you through your circumstances to be where you are gives me great encouragement.
God bless.
Comment by Jason
9.13 am on 19 Aug 2007
Thank James, it’s been great to see and hear what the Lord has been doing in your life too.
Comment by rob waller
5.22 pm on 17 Aug 2007
thanks jason, just wanted to direct people to the new improved Mind and Soul website at http://www.mindandsoul.info – lots going on, writing a course, podcast, local groups, supportive churches, etc… rob
Comment by Jason
9.16 am on 19 Aug 2007
Great to hear from you Rob, and the site looks good, thanks for the heads up.
Comment by Existential Punk
5.28 am on 18 Aug 2007
Thousands of miles away but i have that same black dog. Thank you for your humility and being vulnerable. A rare thing with men. Thanks for being an example! Love, Adele
Comment by Jason
9.19 am on 19 Aug 2007
Existential, give the dog a pat and say hi from me :-) Thanks for your encouragement.
Comment by Chris Goan
10.41 am on 18 Aug 2007
Hi Jason
As others have already said- thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. I have often thought that both of these qualities are underused in Christian leadership! And yet there is something deeply important about hearing your story.
Stories like this unlock other people’s secrets. THey resonate with those of us that carry our own hidden damage- and as a consequence have our own black dog companion. I share much of your early story, and juorney towards some kind of healing and redemption.
I am a mental health professional now (physician heal thyself!)and spend a lot of my time with damaged and marginalised people. I have come to understand that the pain of our lives can become a place of great blessing- both to others, and even to ourselves.
By this, I mean that through being sesitized, we become sensetive. If we allow God to shape us a little, this can become a tender place for others.
Mental health problems are not easily acknowledged by church. WE have all had the relevant positive-police Bible verses quoted at us (or even BY us). The reality is, that mental helth issues are just as common INSIDE church as they are OUTSIDE.
1:3 have serious mental health problems in their lives.
1:8 will need treatment
Depression is the most common reason for seeing your GP.
Anyway- blessings to you, particularly when the black dog comes calling.
Chris
Comment by Jason
9.22 am on 19 Aug 2007
Thanks Chris, great to hear from you. I wonder sometimes if we have read the bible and see the depths of expression that take place there for mental health? Be blessed in your work, and may you find healing in that process too.
Pingback by Jesus Creed » Weekly Meanderings
12.10 pm on 18 Aug 2007
[...] Jason Clark tells his story. [...]
Comment by Craig S
3.13 pm on 18 Aug 2007
Thanks Jason, a privilege to hear some more of your story. A courageous thing to share and deal with, as men we need to be able to bring our dogs to the family of faith. Bless ya mate!
Comment by Jason
9.24 am on 19 Aug 2007
..and I rescued a 6 year old labrador end of last year, but he wasn’t black ;-)
Comment by Jason
9.28 am on 19 Aug 2007
..and thank you for taking time to comment and your encouragement.
Comment by Brother Maynard
3.56 pm on 18 Aug 2007
Jason,
Thank-you deeply for sharing this… it was starting to get a little humid someplace between my eyes and my glasses as I read parts of your story to which I relate, and appreciate you sharing it. I pray the dog learns well when to sit, stay, heel — or just lie down in the corner.
Gratia vobis et pax.
Comment by Jason
9.33 am on 19 Aug 2007
… he appears occasionally, and did so a couple of months ago, and will do so at other times in life I’m sure. Thanks for your understanding and engagement with my posting.
Comment by joe
4.24 pm on 18 Aug 2007
jason,
i have never been on your blog. i came here via scot mcknight. i got to say that i appreciate your openness and honesty. i encountered jesus this morning through your post. i thought i was just checking email.
sometimes us pastors spend so much time talking and learning about god, we forget he is trying to meet with us.
thanks so much.
Comment by Jason
9.38 am on 19 Aug 2007
Hi Joe, great to hear from you, thanks for dropping by and for your comment.
Comment by Lizzy
6.05 pm on 18 Aug 2007
Thanks Jason. I know the black dog well, and he’s been around a lot lately…..
For me, Pastors that have HNB after their name( had nervous breakdown) are the best and most qualified Pastors around!
Bless you
Comment by Jason
9.58 am on 19 Aug 2007
HNB, I’ll remember that ;-) Thanks for taking time to drop by and comment.
Comment by Allie
11.05 am on 19 Aug 2007
Thank you so much for this. I see so much of my own story in yours–my mom is an alcoholic, and I was emotionally abused by my father, until he walked out of my life when I was 12. I look back and realize that the black dog was following me as early as junior high, but back then it was merely a puppy, and could have been dealt with.
Instead, it went ignored until a personal crisis in March of ‘02 forced me to look at it–but by then, the dog turned on me, and attacked. I’m still recovering from its attack, and sometimes I still see its ugly face haunting me in the moments when I’m really honest with myself. I think of it now as a gift, forcing me to see constraints and limits that I was then unwilling to deal with. Maybe a black dog isn’t such a bad thing–if it is tamed.
Pingback by Sacred Vapor » Blog Archive » Vapor trails for August 07
2.07 am on 29 Aug 2007
[...] Jason Clark’s story [...]
Comment by Brian
10.56 pm on 5 Sep 2007
Hey Jason,
Thanks much for your story. I’m in worship ministry at a church in PDX and had a series of panic attacks a few months ago that really freaked me out. I’m doing much better thankfully, but I’m still sorting out how whatever was going on with me has to do with my faith and my doubt. One thing that came to lignt during that time was some of my images of God needed correction… Those often run deep when they’re formed early, so I find I need to be re-introduced to God over and over in order to correct the false images. Thanks!
Pingback by I Get By With A Little Help… : Subversive Influence
12.42 pm on 20 May 2008
[...] now. I have an illness and a remedy — end of story. Other people understand depression, like Jason Clark, and I’m in the fine company of Brant and of Gordon Atkinson and many other folk. (Seriously, [...]
Pingback by Get By » The Upward Way Press
5.38 pm on 20 May 2008
[...] is joining a string of bloggers who are making similar revelations — Brant Hansen, RLP, Jason Clark … and, if may humbly add my name to such an illustrious and exalted group of guys, [...]
Pingback by Mind & Soul at Jason Clark
3.21 pm on 11 Aug 2008
[...] written some before, on my own struggles with mental health issues, and being a [...]
Comment by Laura Anne
9.10 pm on 11 Aug 2008
Thanks for sharing this Jason.
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